How To Give Directions?
How do you tell someone that the journey may be far different than they expect and that it might be a long, lonely, journey through deep valleys of letting go? How do you offer hope when your own journey doesn’t appear to have a happily-ever-after ending?
I listen and I hear beneath the words both anger and disbelief. “How could this happen?” She asks and she desperately needs to know the answer to that question. There must be someone or something to blame. Even if part of the blame lies at her own feet, she is more than willing to admit to it, because knowing ‘why’ is the first step to fixing it. I understand. She reminds me of myself eighteen years ago.
She has brought with her the answer to her search. I know she needs us to listen and affirm she is on the right track, and for her, this is the right track. It may be the first step in a long journey or perhaps she will find what she is looking for – a quick resolution that puts the one she loves on the right path to a good life. And even if it isn’t a quick fix – it’s a fix.
I understand this too. This too was part of my journey. We all want success and happiness for those we love. No one wants someone they love – particularly a child – to live a life of struggle and possible rejection. We want a happily-ever-after for our children even if we haven’t yet found that for ourselves.
A Slow Start on a Long Road
I know the answer she has found offers this mother hope, and I pray for her and the journey ahead of her. I understand both her hurt and her hope. I have been there. I also know that as much as I wanted a quick fix when my son was a teen, a quick fix would not have launched me on a journey that ultimately led me to find space for grace. In fact, it probably would have strengthened the self-righteousness and judgmental attitudes that were already at war in my heart.
Of course, I do not want to insinuate that God ordained the struggles in my life simply to grow my character. That would be incredibly self-focused. Our lives are far too complex and interlaced with others for the answer to “why God would allow this” to be that simple. Neither would I want to quote such platitudes as Romans 8:28. While it is certainly scripture, it is often used as an easy answer, that can attempt to minimize the complexity of pain. I do not know the ‘whys’ of pain, God’s plan for pain, or His work in or through pain. This is simply beyond me to know. But I do know that just as the path toward peace with my oldest son was a long, internal road to see the handicaps within my own heart, so too was this road to find space for grace.
My journey didn’t begin until eight years after my son announced his struggle with same-sex attraction. When he was a teenager, I sought counseling and tried all the things parents do to redirect and control behavior. But as the years passed, life seemed to fall into a routine rhythm and our family somewhat forgot about Jerrod’s struggles with his sexual identity assuming he had ‘gotten over it’. I quit talking about it and abandoned him to wrestle with his struggles alone. This only resulted in heartache, rejection, and insecurity, which I believe contributed to his fall into a destructive lifestyle.
It was only then that I realized I had not only failed to walk beside him in love, but I had also contributed to his abandonment and rejection. And so, I set out on a mission. Initially, it was a rescue mission, but it ultimately became a quest to simply understand, surrender, and love.
Launched on Lengthy Journey
This journey to find space for grace was a journey that lasted years and cannot be easily summarized in one post. It was a journey that I traveled almost entirely outside of my local church community. It began with a three-year binge on Tim Keller podcasts that once more opened my eyes to my own need for grace. God also brought other voices into my world. I found podcasts like Preston Springle’s Theology in the Raw. I read stories from men like Gregory Coles who wrote Single Gay Christian. I began to understand that for most people, sexual orientation was not a choice. And I became acutely aware of the pain and harm I, as well as other Christians, had unintentionally inflicted. The more I listened and read, the more my heart expanded with compassion.
Initially, I didn’t even know what needed to change in my heart and my words and actions, but I had lost a relationship with my son, and something had to change if I wanted to rebuild that relationship. By then I knew I could not control, manipulate, or change my son. I had learned that the only person I could truly change was myself. I knew my son felt unloved and judged by me. He also felt I was assertive and controlling and that “he didn’t know who he was supposed to be around me.” He didn’t feel like he had any space to be himself.
As parents, we sometimes look to our children to shape our identity. We can feel that who they become reflects who we are. But each of us has our own life to live, and our own path to follow. As I have said before, the very best advice I ever received was from my dear friend, Tillery, who said, “The best thing you can do for your kids is to be the best you, you can be.”
Just as I could not heal my oldest son, Justin, or change the circumstances of his life, neither could I change my youngest son, or spare him from the heartache and struggles of his life. All I could do was walk beside him. So, I let go of my expectations and surrendered my attempts to change and control. I deliberately sought out ways to show, as well as tell, my son that I loved him just because he was my son. That unconditional love without expectations made space for grace in my heart.
A Prayer for the Journey Ahead
Today as I pray for this hurt and disappointed mom, I pray her answers lead to solutions. But if the road is longer than she anticipates and the journey harder than she had imagined, I pray that her search for answers will also render insight and understanding. I pray that if she feels she has lost control, she does not give up but finds peace in surrender. And I pray that if longing for change stirs up angry discontent, she finds reconciliation through empathy and compassion. Above all, I pray that like myself, she discovers she is not alone in this journey. God is ever with her, a constant companion on hard roads.
This is the hope for hard journeys. In every season of my life, I look back and see God pursuing me and wooing my heart. In every difficult journey of my life, God has been there, slowly prying my fingers from my idols and turning my heart to see Him as the source of my pleasure. He may not remove pain from our lives, but he is there with us, walking us through it. He continually offers me mercy and grace. As Paul reminds us in Romans 2:4, it is His goodness that leads us to repentance. It is His goodness that continuously turns my heart back to Him and away from the things I think I need before I can be happy. He brings peace to dark nights that hide our tears. And He brings joy to hard journeys as He repeatedly reminds me I am loved and treasured – even in my imperfections. So today I pray for peace and joy for both of us. And I pray as we begin to see ourselves as beloved daughters who have the unending, unmerited, eternal love of God, it expands our hearts with unconditional love as we both continue to find space for grace.
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